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oh flwr.

what’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.


when the sun sets, you then come out
i would have said ‘i missed you’, but i don’t think i was allowed

with my hand in yours, into the closet we went
dusk till dawn, we had our time well spent

through a hug, you engulfed this poor soul
bleeding and battered, with multiple hole

you told me, you loved seeing me like this
not the happy-go-lucky my friends used to miss

of course, it is acceptance that I craved
for happiness was never something you could gave

            they said, be aware of the monster under the bed
            but what am I to do with the one living in my head

            it comes out only when it’s dark
            and gone when the sun starts to spark.

p/s: yes yes another twist ;)))



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let me get one thing straight
i am not
at least, not in the mind

you see sometimes i get in these dark mood
and just forget the way back to light
no worries though, that's just me in feud
with guests at the door i did not invite.

Anxieties knocked so hard it rattled my system
palms so sweaty i couldn't hold myself together
so i was pulled out as another victim
another one lost to the pressure

Depression is the cousin Anxiety brought along
and never had the decency to leave ever since
then from my friends I started to withdrawn
for i would never be happy, he had me convinced

Insecurity however, was too big for the door
she then cut herself so she would fit
bleeding and battered she limped on the floor
as long as she got in, all was worth it

let me get one thing straight
i am not
at least, not in the mind
this is not me confessing that i am gay
this is just me professing that i am not

p/s: this is, indeed, a twist to a meme ;)
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(i)
in all honesty, i hope you found the peace you were looking for even when everything of you is at war with everything you could not understand. back then, we thought hurting in each other's comfort would at least lessen the pain. but each blade bled us differently and they bled us dry of the love that we had for each other and we ended up with hatred twice its amount. you, with your silenced weep; me, with my piteous bawl; grieving for the things we have had and the things we could have had.

(ii)
it was different when hope was involved. it didnt feel as drowning, and helpless, and hopeless. rather it felt like there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. and when this is all over, i wouldnt even have to run towards the light as it would pull me out instead. but this is already over and there is a tunnel but with no lights and no end and no pull. and i was left with no hope and no will to live no more.

(iii)
ampunkan diri ini yang masih mengenal dunia, yang jahil tentang beza taranya harapan dan ketentuan, yang buta pada apa yang ada dan kerap mengemis untuk yang tiada. 

nafas ditarik tak bermakna hidup, dan hidup tak bermakna ia dinikmati.

(iv)
aku tak pernah sayang diri
bukannya tak simpati
cumanya tak ada hati
nak ajar hargai.


// zahra.




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(i)
feels like you've got it all figured out when you told me you didn't want us anymore and you're leaving for malibu. my feet had to clutch the ground, begging for it to not let me go - the same way you did. because i did not want to fall - the same way i did, for you. said you're chasing your dreams, so i had to stop running because you're on another lap now and you've got no time for pit stop no more. i'm sorry that it had to come to this, you said and i said i'm sorry too. i just didn't know to whom.

(ii)
i'm sorry that it took me so long to let you hold me in your arms. i am not very good with space. my mum used to put me in a shoebox when i cried as a baby because she thought the darkness would shut me up. i ended up growing shutting people out because having people in my shoebox terrifies me as much as me leaving it.

(iii)
you loved him, didn't you? with all your heart at that. you knew it'll go down the drain yet you poured him with love and affection like a leaking pipe waiting for the plumber who would never arrive. you let him bend your definition of faith as you faithfully swallowed the lies rolling out his tongue. and you swallowed them all, love, because the truth apparently, hurts you more than pain.


p/s: i would like to end this with a line from hou lai de wo men (cause i've been watching it again and crying over it again); 
we have everything in the end, just not each other.

// zahra.
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zahra | 20
uwu-ing my way through life by being sad and full of tears

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