having the mood and the feel to express whatever i'm feeling thru writing, is as hard as doing so by telling and sharing it with others.

and as much as i try and believe that i should hammer down these high walls around me, it just so happened that i always did so at the wrong time. and it drove me to keep on building and not breaking them just like i wish and hope i could.

growing up i was never the type of person who voice out things, personal things. i just felt like each of my thoughts would not be accepted as much. that it wont be considered just as important, that it's a bit too much or sort of too radical.

and somehow it nurtured me into becoming this closed off person that i've grown quite accustomed to.

but then again perhaps it was also due to my fear of not just being accepted in general. that perhaps i was too different that people wont even put efforts or consideration to figure me out. that i'm just too much of an unraveling to do. and it tires them for much easier and simpler human being is out there for their entertainment.

but i could break too.

and i need someone too.

no matter how much and many times i told myself, chanting to myself that i'd be fine like this, keeping things inside, wallowing in pain that is unbeknownst to others, i cant help but wonder if being this closed off person is worth it all, still.

if one day if i would ever grow. out of this shell-hole i used to call home.


i'm getting bad. two weeks of no real stuffs to do just freaked me out and i found myself getting bad again. life so shitty, feelings so overwhelmed sometimes none at all, friends so reckless i hate them yet i dont and i'm just so fucking. sick. of. myself. 

told myself i'd do smth positive today - smth life changing that could bring some sort of new fresh start, oh well, ended up lying to myself lol 

told myself i'd change, stop this habit of relying on the other person for happiness, this habit of believing that they wouldnt do me like that, of giving too much, caring and feeling everything too much it overwhelms and drowns me yet they just sit and watch from afar as i was far less unworthy to be saved

told myself i'd care more about myself, reading all those self-love self care shit and ended up doing none of it cause i know i dont deserve it anyway

i mean, how can i love when it can only hurt.


you and i used to be about as close as two people could possibly be, and now look at us... so alienated... so separate.

i remember a time when we used to work like a well-oiled machine... all the intricate thoughts and emotions between us, moving through rhythmic motions in perfect harmony. whatever happened to those days when we were so in tune that we could sense even the slightest emotional tremors in each other without even having to be in the same room? the way we would reach out to one another with our thoughts and listen with our hearts... always wanting to be closer, ever closer... where did that all go?

what a sad sorry thing it is now... all that we had is gone, left abandoned as though it were a room and you simply got up one day and left. but my love still lingers in the doorway looking back, refusing to leave because it is unable to accept the emptiness you've left in your wake... and all i am left with is that thought... that single sentence echoing around in my head... 

"we used to be so close..."

what a sad sorry sentence that is. is anything more expressive of emptiness than that? six little words that say so much about just how little is left...

- ranata suzuki.

meadow in my perfect world

there’s a meadow in my perfect world,
where wind dances the branches of a tree,
casting leopard spots of light across the face of a pond…

the tree stands tall and grand and alone,
shading the world beneath it.
there will come a day when i rest,
against its spine and look out over the valley,
where the sun warms, but never burns…

i will watch leaves turn,
green, then amber, then crimson
then no leaves at all..

but the tree will not die
for in this place, winter never comes…
it is here, in the cradle of all i hold dear,
i guard every memory of you.

and when i find myself frozen in the mud of the real,
far from your loving eyes,
i will return to this place, close mine,
and take solace in the simple perfection of knowing you.