i'm getting bad. two weeks of no real stuffs to do just freaked me out and i found myself getting bad again. life so shitty, feelings so overwhelmed sometimes none at all, friends so reckless i hate them yet i dont and i'm just so fucking. sick. of. myself. 

told myself i'd do smth positive today - smth life changing that could bring some sort of new fresh start, oh well, ended up lying to myself lol 

told myself i'd change, stop this habit of relying on the other person for happiness, this habit of believing that they wouldnt do me like that, of giving too much, caring and feeling everything too much it overwhelms and drowns me yet they just sit and watch from afar as i was far less unworthy to be saved

told myself i'd care more about myself, reading all those self-love self care shit and ended up doing none of it cause i know i dont deserve it anyway

i mean, how can i love when it can only hurt.