having the mood and the feel to express whatever i'm feeling thru writing, is as hard as doing so by telling and sharing it with others.

and as much as i try and believe that i should hammer down these high walls around me, it just so happened that i always did so at the wrong time. and it drove me to keep on building and not breaking them just like i wish and hope i could.

growing up i was never the type of person who voice out things, personal things. i just felt like each of my thoughts would not be accepted as much. that it wont be considered just as important, that it's a bit too much or sort of too radical.

and somehow it nurtured me into becoming this closed off person that i've grown quite accustomed to.

but then again perhaps it was also due to my fear of not just being accepted in general. that perhaps i was too different that people wont even put efforts or consideration to figure me out. that i'm just too much of an unraveling to do. and it tires them for much easier and simpler human being is out there for their entertainment.

but i could break too.

and i need someone too.

no matter how much and many times i told myself, chanting to myself that i'd be fine like this, keeping things inside, wallowing in pain that is unbeknownst to others, i cant help but wonder if being this closed off person is worth it all, still.

if one day if i would ever grow. out of this shell-hole i used to call home.