(i)
feels like you've got it all figured out when you told me you didn't want us anymore and you're leaving for malibu. my feet had to clutch the ground, begging for it to not let me go - the same way you did. because i did not want to fall - the same way i did, for you. said you're chasing your dreams, so i had to stop running because you're on another lap now and you've got no time for pit stop no more. i'm sorry that it had to come to this, you said and i said i'm sorry too. i just didn't know to whom.

(ii)
i'm sorry that it took me so long to let you hold me in your arms. i am not very good with space. my mum used to put me in a shoebox when i cried as a baby because she thought the darkness would shut me up. i ended up growing shutting people out because having people in my shoebox terrifies me as much as me leaving it.

(iii)
you loved him, didn't you? with all your heart at that. you knew it'll go down the drain yet you poured him with love and affection like a leaking pipe waiting for the plumber who would never arrive. you let him bend your definition of faith as you faithfully swallowed the lies rolling out his tongue. and you swallowed them all, love, because the truth apparently, hurts you more than pain.


p/s: i would like to end this with a line from hou lai de wo men (cause i've been watching it again and crying over it again); 

we have everything in the end, just not each other.

// zahra.

i dont know about you, but it took me long enough to finally realize that us, was never meant for us.

cause even after three months of your farewell, i could still see you next to me when i woke up in the morning; smell your ironwood perfume lingering in the bedroom; hear your husky velvety voice calling out for my name; and even feel your rosy lips leaving a kiss on my cheek when you bid me goodnight.

to say that i was a mess, was an understatement.

because all those tears and screams when i realised you're never going to come back and hold me dearly in your cradle like the other nights, would never do me any justice

and all those lies you told me about how everything would get better, would never make me feel any better.

and i, i would never be the same.

// zahra.

and that after all the inequity you suffered from, you would only ask for one thing, only to be held high. when you darling, deserves so much more than that.


ps: felt like doing this poetry-sharing thingy more regularly cos i've got nothing else good to do in my life heh plus, it'd be good for my degree later on!

pps: PIL stands for poetry-i-love

ppss: comment your fav!

having the mood and the feel to express whatever i'm feeling thru writing, is as hard as doing so by telling and sharing it with others.

and as much as i try and believe that i should hammer down these high walls around me, it just so happened that i always did so at the wrong time. and it drove me to keep on building and not breaking them just like i wish and hope i could.

growing up i was never the type of person who voice out things, personal things. i just felt like each of my thoughts would not be accepted as much. that it wont be considered just as important, that it's a bit too much or sort of too radical.

and somehow it nurtured me into becoming this closed off person that i've grown quite accustomed to.

but then again perhaps it was also due to my fear of not just being accepted in general. that perhaps i was too different that people wont even put efforts or consideration to figure me out. that i'm just too much of an unraveling to do. and it tires them for much easier and simpler human being is out there for their entertainment.

but i could break too.

and i need someone too.

no matter how much and many times i told myself, chanting to myself that i'd be fine like this, keeping things inside, wallowing in pain that is unbeknownst to others, i cant help but wonder if being this closed off person is worth it all, still.

if one day if i would ever grow. out of this shell-hole i used to call home.